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Are Single Black Women Too Independent?
Editorial Opinion
Printable Version
Are single black women
too independent? Too sure of themselves, too eager to express
their opinion (and dis yours), too unwilling to listen and be
submissive? Are today's black women even capable of
'following' a strong black man? For all my single brothers out
there who have asked me these questions many times - this article is
for you. First,
let's deal with the first question - Are single black women too
independent? My answer to this might surprise you - I think,
in many ways, black women are too independent, but with good
reason. To understand this dichotomy, you have to understand
something about most single black women. Most single black
women have a history of supporting themselves, holding down a job
(or two), possibly raising children, attending school, taking care
of household bills (probably with a house of their own) and helping
out with other family responsibilities involving parents,
grandparents and siblings. In many cases they have handled
these responsibilities without a strong or consistent male influence
in their lives. Through miscommunication, death, neglect or
abuse, many father-daughter, sister-brother, boyfriend-girlfriend
relationships have gone astray, oftentimes leaving women to form a
support network among themselves in order to get things done, bring
order to their lives and accomplish those tasks that were once upon
a time more evenly split between the two genders.
This has caused an epidemic of sorts in the single
black community. Black women learned that in order to get
things done, they had to rely upon themselves and began to do so
with increasing success. As a result of this, black women learned
that they didn't really 'need' black men the way they thought they
did - for companionship, for leadership or for money and support.
They learned to work and earn money for themselves, raise their
children single-handedly, pay their bills, and get their own education, but
these lessons were often came at a cost. And that
cost was the sacrifice of a healthy relationship with their future spouses,
boyfriends or lovers. So, yes, black women are sometimes too
independent, but only because they had to be. In order
to survive, in order for their children to survive and in order to
make their lives work.
Are single black women then too sure of themselves, too eager to
express their opinions, unwilling to listen or be submissive? Again
the answer is - sometimes yes, sometimes no. Sometimes
yes because single black women are usually pretty confident, pretty
self-assured and pretty sure of who they are - especially once they've reached
a certain age. And sometimes yes because I have seen a sister 'go off' on a brother
for pretty much no reason at all, just to establish her dominance or
control.
And I have known many a good man who was being 'dogged' by his woman
because he wouldn't stand up to her. But, sometimes no because
most single black women are just waiting to meet a man strong
enough to deal with them in the entirety of their character. A
man who can admire her strength while adding his own. A man
who is not intimidated by a woman who has just as valid an opinion
as his. And this single black woman can and will willingly
listen to this man because he values and listens to her.
But it has to be a
relationship of equals. Equal respect, equal power and equal
say. Because black women are often so strong, it can often
hinder the development and growth of a good relationship. Just
as no man wants someone to tell him how to live his life, neither do
most women. Strength plus strength should be a potent
combination, but all too often the strength in women and the
strength in men becomes a power struggle and then a wedge that drives
them apart.
And, finally, are single
black women even capable of 'following' a good man? Of course
- as long as their definitions of 'following' are the same.
'Following' does not mean 'blindly obeying in the absence of all
common sense.' 'Following' means following your husband as the
church 'follows' Christ (Note I say 'husband' and not 'boyfriends' -
these same rights do not apply to boyfriend-girlfriend
relationships). True marriage between a man and and
woman should reflect the love that Christ has for the church.
In the bible, a woman is asked to respect and submit to her husband,
but a husband is asked to lay down his life for his wife. Most
men and women, husbands and wives, do not have that kind of
relationship. Most relationships are a reflection of 'what's
in it for me?' and when that runs dry, the relationship runs dry as
well. A successful relationship can occur between a single
black man and a single black woman when true respect and love are
founded in a committed relationship leading to marriage. So, are
single black women too independent? Sometimes yes and
sometimes no - but relationships between men and black women can
still work. With a little compromise on both sides, a
clear understanding of what a Godly, bible-based relationship is, and with
a love that lasts longer than who gets the last word, independence
can become interdependence (being independent but dependent on one
another and God) and the too-independent black woman can be no more!
Printable Version
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